HEY IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED DOWNTON ABBEY YET DON'T READ THIS POST. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.
CRAZY AMOUNTS OF SPOILERS.
STOP RIGHT NOW.
We start (as always) with Laura Linney, whom I normally really like but HOLY GUACAMOLE LAURA JUST PLAY THE DANG EPISODE. I mean really. Also who decided to have the very first shot in the intro be a dog butt? Doesn't exactly scream aristocracy but whatever.
See what I'm saying? Dog butt.
We learn that Sybil isn't coming to the wedding because she is off in Ireland being poor and barefoot and pregnant and Robert is all, THANK GOODNESS, because he hates poor people and doesn't want them all up in his house causing poor people drama. Geeze Bob, dont be such a jerk. Mary is wearing a sad brown sack; maybe it's tradition to wear awful clothes leading up to the wedding?
This is how British people look when they are in love
Isobel says she doesn't even know why it's a big deal if Sybil and Tom come, and Matthew is all, shut up Mom these country folk LOVE THEM SOME DRAMA. They subsist on a diet of hater-ade and hater-tots.
He even eats soup looking all hateful
Thomas reminds us all that he is a stinker who hates Mr Bates and everyone and everything. YEAH WE KNOW. Carson frowns.
Shut Up Isobel
The Old Ladies Club gets together to talk about Sybil and Branson some more, and Cousin Isobel chirps about how poor people are spunky and fun to have around while Cora and Violet roll their eyes and frown. Cora says that Robert has put his foot down about anyone sending Sybil money, which is hilarious because when was the last time ANY OF US listened to Robert.
Robert gets a mystery phone call and gets all sputtery, but let me tell you DENIAL ISNT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT, MY FRIEND!
Nice wig O'Brien, what's it made of?
O'Brien is feeling good because she got a new weave and her hair is slightly less awful this season, although still pretty awful and suggests that Carson hire her nephew as a footman. Carson says that he would rather eat rusty spikes than hire her stupid nephew, or something like that. Also he says Hobbledy Hoy which is my new favorite word.
All Robert ever says is Womp Womp Womp. Not listening.
Luckily O'Brien has Cora on strings like a fancy puppet and gets Cora to hire her nephew SO STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT CARSON. Robert comes in and make some vague and foreboding comments about his mystery phone call. However nobody cares so no one asks him any more about it. Cue dramatic music.
Bates and Anna are adorable and in love as always. CONVENIENTLY Vera dropped her address book in Mother Bates’s house so
Nancy Drew Anna and The Hardy Boys Bates hatch a clever plan to write to everyone and ask if Vera had a good recipe for suicide pie. Also Bates tells us about his creepy new cell mate, who later Mr Bates has to rough up to show him who is boss.
Carson is not amused
The new footman arrives and Carson frowns all over the place and O'Brien and her new weave are smug all over the place.
Matthew and Mary talk about where they are going to live and Mary is all, "well I want to live in my huge beautiful house with all my own stuff" and Matthew yacks on about how cool being poor is "and also it's creepy that your dad will know we are having all kinds of sex" and Mary is all "it's cool, he's just glad I’m sleeping with someone I’m married to rather than a random sleazy Turkish guy. “
Robert hates losing at Monopoly
Robert goes to London where we learn that he dumped all Cora's money into a railroad that failed and now they are going to be poor, sort of, and have to sell Downton. Robert has a little moment and feels bad for being so inept with money, for a rich guy. Also they give us some nice storyline and plot points but that's boring. Robert clearly stole this idea from me. When I play Monopoly I always try to buy all the railroads but I guess no one told him that I always lose at Monopoly.
Edith is in town watching everyone hang up banners and sing and dance with joy for Mary and jumps into poor old Sir Anthony Strallan’s moving car. He says some awkward thing about weddings and loneliness and they both just sit and are awkward and exchange some plot points and I imagine the driver dying of second-hand embarrassment over their awkwardness. UGH. Just stop it.
Matthew crushes Molesley’s hopes and dreams of being a valet, for about the zillionth time. He turned into an oblivious rich guy pretty quick. Poor Mr Molesley. You make me so sad.
Daisy gets all pissy about the new valet since she was supposed to get a new mini-Daisy to kick around and listens to Thomas of all people for advice. Daisy clearly has issues learning from her own mistakes. Mrs Patmore says "welp sorry, they won't let me hire any more people so tough toast." O'Brien says some mean things to Molesley for funsies and Carson frowns some more.
Everyone frown now.
Sybil and Tom get their ticket money from Violet but Sybil clearly got hit with the frumpy stick in Ireland along with getting a terrible haircut for good measure.
Matthew tells us some story points that explain how he is due to inherit a huge amount of money from Mr Swire (Lavinia's old man); just the right amount to save Downton. He feels super guilty about causing Lavinia to die of a broken heart, apparently forgetting that she actually died of the Spanish flu. It seems like in old-timey shows, an inheritance is always the equivalent of a ragtag group of kids winning in a singing competition with a grand prize in the exact amount they need to save their clubhouse.
I know they look snuggly but that Tom is a big wet blanket
Everyone hangs out upstairs and talks about Tom behind his back while he goes downstairs to say hello but gets frowned right out of the room by Carson. Sybil tells Mary about how fun it is to be poor and Mary is all, yeah... um okay whatever. Tom is a terrible stinker who isn't nearly nice enough to Sybil.
Robert finally tells Cora that he lost all her money
at Monopoly on Canadian trains and Cora says well whatever I’m American and so that's fine. Side note, I am American and I would totally care if my husband spent all my money on Canadian trains, so much for that. I guess that is what true love looks like. He says he will tell Mary so she can decide where to live, so like, not at Downton Abbey.
Anna fixes up Edith for doddering old Sir Anthony, who Edith likes despite him being a hundred and only having one good arm. She invites him to the wedding in the most desperate way I’ve ever heard. UGH, STOP. He compliments her new hairdo, bringing Edith’s lifelong compliment total to two, both of them from old man Anthony. Poor Edith.
O'Brien asks Thomas to help Alfred to learn to be Matthew's valet but Thomas is sassy and says hell no. I wonder if he has forgotten just how evil and terrible O'Brien is and that she is the wrong person to have as your enemy. Maybe you should look into that. Like less than a year ago when she was helping you to plot and scheme against everyone else. Yeah that.
Sybil has terrible taste in men.
Sybil’s creepy ex-boyfriend is at the party and is rude and slimey all over the place. He slips Tom an old-school roofie and Tom gets completely belligerent and I totally thought he was going to puke. I think Tom is a jackanapes, drugged up or sober, but Sir Anthony outs Slimey Ex-Boyfriend and everyone forgives Tom. Matthew asks Tom to be his best man; can you say BROMANCE? Also, Matthew, don't you have any other friends? Edith smooches elderly Sir Anthony on the cheek, because I guess now she is taking a cue from the Modern American Girl as her Grandmama advised.
Does this Morning Coat Make me look bourgeois?
Violet invites Tom over for tea and he says he doesn't want to wear a morning coat for the wedding. She says LOL I DONT CARE PUT IT ON and makes him wear Matthew's hand-me-downs which are still way nicer than his tatty threads.
Martha Levinson, shockingly American
Martha (Cora's mother) arrives with her sassy maid Reed. Martha is VERY American and it seems that Violet finally has a fair partner for a sass-fight.
Mary tells Matthew that Robert lost
at Monopoly all their money. Matthew tells Mary he would rather throw all Mr Swire’s money into a river than help the Crawleys and Mary is like FINE YOU CAN MARRY YOURSELF THEN.
Edith walked in at the last moment and just sort of stands there awkwardly as always.
Seriously Edith. What.
Tom goes to Matthew's house and says some sappy cute things about blahloveblahblah and convinces Matthew to go apologize and so saves the day. Anna talks to Mary, and reminds her that handsome rich young men who are inheriting your house and all your money are hard to come by. Anna is entirely correct because if you watch the show, Matthew is the only remotely handsome or rich or young guy that lives within 100 miles. The couple share a cute smooch and I guess everything is better but not really because we didn't actually solve anything. So it goes.
The most British kiss I've ever seen
The morning before the wedding and the girls talk about sex and everyone gets it except Edith because Mary had sex with that Turkish guy REMEMBER. Sorry Edith.
The non-virgins club plus one.
Mary looks stunning and jaw-dropping and everyone cries or maybe just me. The whole town comes out to watch Mary's carriage drive by and I have to say if I get married and the entire town doesn't decorate to celebrate I’m going to be pretty bummed. Mary walks down the aisle and the episode ends how it began with Matthew and Mary in church. Well done DA cinematographers. I see what you did there.
I wasn't ready for them to air two episodes in one night so expect the next post in a few days.
*Screen shots are of my totally legally obtained copy of Downton Abbey. Sorry for the little thing at the bottom.
NEXT EPISODE, We are Pretty, Give Us Money
NEXT EPISODE, We are Pretty, Give Us Money