DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON THREE EPISODE TWO
IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED IT YET DO NOT READ THIS OKAY? JUST DON'T.
I MEAN REALLY DON'T.
Marm Jenny and I decided to pool our funny
and write the Downton Abbey recaps together from now on. Enjoy!
VROOM VROOM VROOM
Matthew and Mary drive back from the honeymoon in a shiny new car, which is strange considering they are supposed to be all poor. Also, WHEN DID MATTHEW LEARN TO DRIVE EVEN? I guess driving is cool now rather than middle class. Mary seems to have borrowed a hat from Edith's old stash of dreary headwear.
Don't you have someplace else to be Martha?
Martha is still at Downton rapidly wearing out her welcome. You can see everyone growing more and more sick of her by the minute but they just sigh and mutter about it because they're all British.
By now everyone knows about Robert being dismal
at Monopoly with money and Matthew dangles Mr Swire's fortune in front of him like bacon in front of a hungry dog. Rude.
Isobel is a potty mouth.
Isobel's new pet project is a charity for women who discover profitable new skills after their husbands died in the war, which takes about twenty minutes to understand because everyone is way too British to say the word prostitute except Isobel, and of course Martha. Carson frowns at everyone especially Alfred, but he's all, what did I do?
Here comes the crying
Mrs Hughes finds a lump in her breast and WAIT, WHAT? I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS STORY LINE. Someone fetch me another box of tissues. It will take two freaking months for the lab report to come back (but only one day for a letter? Really?) So with Mrs Patmore’s inelegant support, she must wait. She refuses to tell Mr Carson, the big frowny frowner, and he barks at her because he needs more help downstairs like that's her fault. Boy is he going to feel RULLY bad when he finds out.
Ethel also took a tip from a Modern American Girl
Violet sees Ethel (the maid who had a baby after her fling with that mustachioed hounddog, Major Bryant, back when Downton was a hospital in Season Two) on the street and we can tell she is a prostitute because she has messy hair and lipstick. I don't know what that says about me.
Nope. I'm not leaving.
Edith wears a coat made of seventies RV upholstery to shove into Sir Anthony’s house and he says "Why do you keep coming here? I'm so old! " and Edith is not having any of that and refuses to take no no no for an answer. I guess sometimes true love needs a hearty shove in the right direction.
Anna tells Mister Bates she bought a garter in France, which is pretty forward for someone who has only ever had sex once, a year ago, plus her husband's serving a life sentence in prison so what's that all about?
K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the H-A-L-L-WA-Y
Martha's sassy maid Reed always says what she is thinking and what she is thinking is that Alfred is a TALL DRINK OF WATER, very tall in fact. So she smooches him just about every time she can corner him alone because Reed is a modern American girl and that's how we do.
Violet missed the "lets all wear our silly hats" memo
The Old Ladies Club plus Mary gets together to talk about money. Mary and Violet spend the whole rest of the episode trying to wangle money out of moneybags Martha to save Downton, AGAIN.
Don't mess with O'brien
Alfred mistakenly trusts Thomas and ask him for secret valet advice and burns a hole in Matthew's tailcoat, which probably costs more than he will make in his whole life. I guess he didn't watch the first two seasons which spelled out Thomas's special brand of helpfulness. O'Brien hides all of Robert's fancy shirts to get revenge on Thomas who starts to remember that O'Brien is way better at being evil than he is.
Carson frowns all over because of Alfred ruining the dinner jacket and Thomas’s scheme to get Alfred demoted WORKS and they haul up Molesley from Crawley House (yay Molesley) because I swear these rich people just do whatever their servants tell them. DANCE, PUPPET! DANCE!
Old Guys Club
Robert pulls Sir Anthony aside and says, "Hey quit dating my daughter you old coot!" I guess Robert not only hates poor people but old people and people with only one good arm. Sir Anthony writes to Edith tattling on Robert. Edith get all sad between the arms and it actually made me feel quite bad for her. Sir Anthony might not be Ryan Gosling but Edith is no Emma Stone either. Edith and Martha manage to guilt Robert into letting Sir Anthony come to the Great Big Fancy Party after all, because, as Edith points out, all the nice boys are dead except Matthew and Robert begins to realize that if Edith doesn't get married soon she will just live at home forever and ever. And ever.
Ok well goodnight then
Matthew and Mary are in love but also British so they act as if they just barely like each other. Somehow Mary has mananged to not strangle Matthew for being quite such a martyr about all the money he is about to get and then throw away, but just barely.
Mary tries to get Cora in on the scheme and Cora says UM NOPE and Mary says well I want to live in this ginormous house and that is that so just try and stop me. BRITAIN RULES AMERICA DROOLS.
Mr Bates grew up in the hood and is no one's fool
Good thing our table has this big tree. Trees are hella fancy
The house gets ready for a Great Big Fancy Dinner Party to impress Martha, because they all seem to think that a Great Big Fancy Dinner Party is the way to do that. Good luck with that, it sounds like a bulletproof plan.
Poor Mr Molesley.
Mr Molesley's dream finally come true when he gets to be Matthew's valet but he can't even get the first day right because Matthew's repaired tailcoat doesn't come back in time for the Great Big Fancy Dinner Party. Can you even imagine. So both Matthew and Robert come down to the drawing room in black tie like raggedy homeless men.
There will be no dinner for the Fancy Dinner Party
The oven breaks and OH NO! Now there is no food. What will we do? Martha
ruins saves the day by suggesting that they have a picnic dinner of scraps from the yard while Violet and Mary wring their hands and fret and Carson frowns.
Plates on the floor like we live in a dang barn
Everyone eats ham on the floor while Martha sings drunk karaoke to Violet. Carson frowns. The servants seem happy to hear that there is a veal and egg pie for dinner. Which I guess is better than starving but just barely. I am so glad I’m not British.
So desperate and so old
Sir Anthony proposes to Edith and she decides to get married like tomorrow so Sir Anthony won't get cold feet or die of old age or something. Yay Edith. She liked it so she put a ring on it.
Martha pulls a bait and switch and lets Mary and Violet grovel for money then gives them a verbal smack while saying she thinks Downton is so last century and good riddance and no she won't help them but they can come visit her in AMERICA if they feel like it.
It is booze o'clock
Robert bemoans his upcoming poverty, and Martha says quit whining! Stick out your chin! Pour me a shot of whiskey, NEAT!
Mrs Hughes and Mister Carson share a charming moment that reminds us what real problems look like. While everyone upstairs is wailing about having slightly less money, the downstairs crowd gets cancer, prison, and a veal and egg pie.
Recap and jokes by Lillian,
Editing and more jokes by Jenny
Editing and more jokes by Jenny