Episode 3 starts with a Disney princess dream sequence. The mice servants are scurrying about, getting ready for the wedding. Whistling while they work. I'm sure there are some deer and birds just out of the frame.
Edith cannot even believe something so wonderful is happening to HER, and neither can anyone else. Yay Edith!
Thomas gets revenge on O’Brien (for hiding Robert’s shirts last episode) by telling Molesley that she is quitting.
You would think that by this time everyone would know that Thomas is evil and EVERYONE, especially Thomas, should know that O'Brien is SUPER-EVIL.
Molesley tells Cora, OOPS! who gets all pouty-faced because she thinks O’Brien is her bestest girlfriend. Yeah OK whatever you say, Your Puppetship.
Carson uses his ninja butler skills to find out that Mrs Hughes “is suffering from a condition” and finagles more information out of Mrs Patmore. Mrs Patmore is not a good secret keeper. Carson frowns. Everyone knows he secretly loves Mrs Hughes. He tells her to go put her feet up, which is an effective cure for cancer.
This is how someone who isn't having sex looks.
Matthew asks Mary to choose which charity to give Dead Mr Swire’s riches to and she says how about I Don’t Want To Move. org? or the Let’s Stay Super Rich Foundation? I guess Matthew never wants to have sex again ever ever ever.
Well being poor slightly less rich won’t be as bad as all that because, turns out, they conveniently own another enormous mansion a few towns over and don’t care a fig about kicking those loser tenants to the curb. KNOCK KNOCK! WHO’S THERE? EMINENT DOMAIN!
Carson asks Cora to please lighten the load on Mrs Hughes because she’s probably dying which presents a problem for Cora because Molesley has just told her O’Brien is planning to jump ship and then who will do all the work?
What a crap hole.
Robert sulks all over the place and as usual NOBODY CARES. They all road trip up for a picnic at the shack mansion, which only has fifty rooms instead of one hundred, EW! POOR PEOPLE! GROSS! It only fits eight servants, so I imagine all the surplus servants will be pretty happy to hear about that.
Matthew gets a letter from Dead Mr Swire about the heaps of money and has a little pity party at the picnic. Mary’s patience with Matthew, who refuses to even open the letter FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, is rapidly coming to an end. SHUT UP, MATTHEW!
What's the difference between a fashion blogger and an old timey prostitute? Not much.
Ethel tromps over to Isobel’s charity center for PROSTITUTES. PROSTITUTE is Isobel’s new favorite word and she jams it into every other sentence, so even the PROSTITUTES cringe. PROSTITUTE.
I'm sure her mother loves her.
Nancy Drew Anna goes to visit Mrs Bartlett, Dead Vera’s BFF, and finds some clues in the Mystery Of The Poison Pastry. Mrs Bartlett is about as cheerful and kind as Dead Vera was so we can see why they were such good friends.
Ring Around the Rosie, pocket full of dope, lockdown, lockdown, Prison is no fun.
Meanwhile, Bates’s cellmate plants some dope in his bunk but another prisoner squeals on him during the daily game of Ring Around the Rosie. Thanks goodness for stool pigeons, because Bates finds the dope just in time! Yay Bates!
Tom and Sibyl get there at some point, and I guess Tom must have gotten over his little clothing tantrum because he is wearing another hand-me-down tux from Matthew and not whining about it. Sybil brought her new maternity muumuus made by a blind arthritic seamstress back in Ireland.
Excuse me while I sob into my pillow
Cora tells Mrs Hughes that if Mrs Hughes DOES have the big C, they will take care of her and even rustle up a nurse and she is welcome to live there forever and ever. MORE KLEENEX PLEASE.
It is the night before the wedding and Edith is happy as a bucket of clams. Robert refuses to be happy for her but he admits to himself that it might be nice to get her out of the house. AS LONG AS YOU’RE HAPPY, ROBERT.
I'm reading this letter don't even try to stop me
Mary makes the executive decision to open Dead Mr Swire’s letter and SURPRISE turns out Dead Lavinia wrote to her Pop just minutes before she died, saying “HEY just in case you ever want to leave Matthew a great big pile of money, he kissed trampy old Mary but its cool. BTW I’m dying of Spanish flu.” Matthew accuses Mary of forging the letter but she refrains from gouging out his eyes with her thumbs.
She did have time to slap on some pearls
Mary stomps downstairs in her jammies to ask the servants if any of them mailed Dead Lavinia’s letter. Daisy says “Yep, that was me, was I supposed to tell anyone because OH YEAH everybody was dying all over the place and I was HELLA busy keeping the fires lit night and day in twenty rooms.” Now Matthew can quit whining and give up the cash. YAY FOR BEING RICH.
YAY EDITH! YAY!
Edith is looking FINE FRESH FIERCE in her wedding dress and Mary says, “So I know we hate each other on principle AND you tried to ruin my life but I got married after all AND I get to be the Countess of Grantham AND my husband is about thirty years younger than yours, but good luck today because I think you’re going to need it. “ CUE TINY SPARK OF FEAR.
please no please no please
Edith skips down the aisle towards her new life but OH MY GLOB Sir Anthony is all "NOPE I CANT DO THIS, I am way too old" and totally ruins EDITH’S SPECIAL DAY and ours, too, because we really did want her to get married and live happily ever after.
Are you joking? Please be joking. This is a terrible joke.
Robert and Violet gratefully pry Edith off Sir Anthony’s good arm, and all the wedding guests really wish they had just stayed home. Poor Edith. STILL HAVE THAT KLEENEX?
Get out of here you stupid happy witches!
Back in Edith’s old room at Downton, her sisters stand there wishing they were somewhere else while Cora says, “WELP looks like that Sir Anthony wasn’t such a catch after all!” This doesn’t do much to cheer Edith up.
oh man now I am craving lobster
Downstairs, after the mice servants toss out all the flowers and party decorations, they NomNomNom on some RAD PARTY SNAX! They rag on Sir Anthony with their mouths full and feel sorry for Edith.
Robert awkwardly accepts Matthew’s gift of a golden coffin filled with cash and insists that it means they are partners and will share the fortune, but we know that Robert is as skilled at sharing as he is at Monopoly. CRISIS AVERTED.
Everyone is so stoked to still be super rich, they almost forget to sympathize with Edith. Poor Edith. At least she’ll be a rich spinster instead of a poor one. Yay Edith?
Mr Carson loves polishing silver and Mrs Hughes
Mrs Patmore lets Mr Carson know that Mrs Hughes doesn’t have cancer after all. HURRAY! Mrs Hughes watches him from behind the door as he sings and polishes the silver with a little halo of hearts and twittering birdies over his head. Yay Mrs Hughes!