Good news, everyone! Mrs Patmore’s kindly old aunt has recently died and left her a few hundred quid, which is...some amount of euros? But we have no idea how much because duh, British, and also inflation and stuff. It must be a big deal for her though because she asks Mister Carson’s advice about investing for her old age. Mrs Hughes recommends she consult Mister Branson or even Doctor Clarkson, which makes smoke billow out of Mister Carson’s ears.
|Well I'm a MAN so naturally I know exactly what you should do with your money|
Remember at the dress show in London when Mary mentions to Rosamund that Edith is taking a peculiar interest in the pig farmer’s daughter and how very dreary and uninteresting it is? But Rosamund IS interested, because she has good reason to understand Edith’s new hobby. Rosamund jumps on a train to come put the thumbscrews on Edith. Rosamund tells her, no joke, this plan is terrible. Even compared to that Switzerland thing, which was a great idea until you ruined it. Stop giving your baby to people.
|But its all good because Mrs Schrader got a new Ingeborg|
Violet assumes Isobel will marry Dickie Merton
and not be her BFF any more for all the wrong reasons. She enlists Doctor Clarkson’s cooperation in prying the couple apart. Isobel may have spurned his affections but still, he doesn’t want her to marry the wrong man, so he agrees to eyeball the situation. Also there is no good way to say no to the Dowager Countess.
|Honestly you're both kind of annoying, but I'll see what I can do|
Unlikely besties Violet and Isobel are peacefully working on a puzzle of a polar bear in a snowstorm. Violet says, I have an idea; what if your ex-boyfriend and your new boyfriend became friends? Come over for lunch and we will see what happens! Isobel is all, works for me.
|Why do you always get to do the edge?|
Rosamund decides to take a good hard look at little Marigold, who now lives practically in the shadow of the Abbey, which weirds out Mrs Drew. We get sidetracked wondering how Mrs Drew manages to get such perfectly Clorox-white laundry when it looks to us like all her wash-day equipment is covered in rust and mud. Ew.
|If you're done gawking at my baby, I have a crap ton of work to do|
Starsky and Hutch come back to Downton, this time to grill Mary and Anna about the day Mister Green died. Everyone is so relieved that Mr Bates isn’t under an immediate threat of arrest, they forget to be worried about Anna. Everyone except Anna.
|Mr Green, in the street, with a truck?|
|No, it was Colonel Mustard in the library with the lead pipe|
Because The Man is busy interrogating Mary and Anna in the library, Robert has spread out his land baron bids and papers all over the dining room table. He tells Mr Carson that everyone should invest in building, the next big thing! Mr Carson spies an opportunity to instruct Mrs Patmore and pinches one of the pamphlets to show her.
|I decree that Bob the Builder is the firm for me|
|Or maybe Handy Manny! What do you think, Carson?|
Rose literally bumps into a handsome young man outside the church full of Russian refugees and she invites him for cake and tea down in the crypt. We can tell this guy is The One because little hearts and birdies circle their heads. Prince Kuragin overhears them discussing his family’s hasty departure from Odessa and advises Atticus to keep his heritage under his hat while he’s surrounded by Russians.
|Matchmaker, Matchmaker, I'll bring the veil, you bring the groom, slender and pale|
Miss Bunting hikes out to the Abbey to report that she’s accepted a job in another town. Daisy’s meager dreams are dashed because Miss Bunting’s lessons made her hope for a future outside of the kitchen, and she is daringly sassy to Mister Carson. Poor Daisy.
|OMG just leave already|
Emboldened by injustice, Daisy snags Tom as he passes the servant’s entrance to tell him Miss Bunting is leaving the next day and he should stop her before she gets away. Daisy doesn’t know Tom already broke it off with Miss Bunting. He is sympathetic and tries to look dismayed but inside he is secretly tap dancing.
|Bourgeois class domination is undoubtedly an historical necessity, but, so too, the rising of the working class against it. Capital is an historical necessity, but, so too, its grave digger, the socialist proletariat!|
Simon Bricker is coming back to Downton to
pinch Cora’s fanny discuss the angel painting, but Robert is going out of town for the night to be guest of honor at some Fancy Man Lord Lieutenant banquet. He’s cranky and suspicious. Cora is like, I don’t give a flea what you think, Robert. I do what I want. Her response does not improve his mood.
|Today the dog, tomorrow the wife|
|When are you leaving?|
The next day is Operation break-up-Isobel-and-Dickie-so-I-can-keep-my-friend, and Violet prods Dr Clarkson to drive a wedge between the lovebirds. But, like peanut butter and jelly--crackers and cheese--chips and guacamole; even Violet can see they belong together.
|How do you feel about peas and carrots?|
|My official diagnosis is L-O-V-E|
Tom is relieved to have given Miss Bunting the boot, but he drives into town to say a gentlemanly goodbye before she goees. Hurray! We were afraid Julian Fellowes was going to keep writing more scenes for her and trying to frame it like Tom really loves her, which anyone can see he does not, because she has no redeeming features at all, and we’re not just saying that out of loyalty to poor dead Sybil. Miss Bunting is worse than meat bees at a picnic.
|Bring any ham?|
Robert leaves just as Simon Bricker arrives. Even Isis is embarrassed by Robert's silly
|I'll be home first thing in the morning|
Rose’s young man Atticus Aldridge drops by the church to see her again before he leaves for his new banking job in London. Rose introduces him to Lord Rostov, clearly an old school anti-Semite, who storms off in a rage. Russian aristocrats were not at all fond of Jews in the nineteeth century; and violently drove them all out, just in time to be driven out themselves a few years later. Another reminder that there has never been such a thing as the good old days.
|Is this any better than Russia?|
|You must meet a few of my friends|
Charles Blake invites Mary to London to go to dinner but neglects to warn her he has also invited Mabel
the chump Lane-Fox. He’s like, guess what-- Mary is all done kissing Tony now, want him back? and Mabel is all, are you freaking kidding me?
|When pigs fly!|
Mary is like, well whatever, Tony likes me better anyway--that is, no--he’s all yours. Mabel says, oh by the way I hate you both and I’m leaving goodbye.
|And goodbye to you, too!|
After dinner at Downton, Rosamund and Violet corner Edith and insist that little Marigold be spirited away away to boarding school in France, where even toddlers can be legally abandoned in convent schools for years and years.
|You know...Twelve little girls in two straight lines?|
|Wait, that doesn't even get written until 1939!|
Dear Miss Baxter spends the whole episode trying to waylay Thomas to tell him he must stop doing drugs right now. She is, as we pointed out, much nicer than we are; she even Googled his symptoms and concluded that must be trying to cure his Homosexual Condition. She assures Thomas he was born this way.
|You're beautiful in your way, 'cause God makes no mistakes|
Mrs Patmore and Mrs Hughes mull it over and agree that taking fiscal counsel from Mister Carson, just because he is a man, is probably a mistake. Marm and Lillian are relieved since it was already second-hand advice from Robert and we all know about him and financial ruin. Mrs Patmore tells Mister Carson she plans to buy herself a little cottage for when she retires. She pretends it was his idea all along.
|It was all thanks to you!|
|Yes, I do what I can|
Upstairs, Mister Bricker lurks in the hallway until Miss Baxter leaves Cora’s room for the night and then WALKS RIGHT IN WITHOUT KNOCKING. Gaaah!
|Coast is clear|
He tells Cora she’s a hot tomato and he’d love to stir up some salsa with her. Cora says, you’re delusional, please get out of my bedroom this instant. Go home.
|EW. That's disgusting. Also, are you wearing a floral bathrobe?|
But guess who comes home early from his war games party? Correct! Robert goes upstairs to Cora’s room and WALKS RIGHT IN WITHOUT KNOCKING. Imagine everyone’s surprise!
|It was...hanging on a peg in my room|
Robert lands a pretty good left hook to the snout and the two old goats go down swinging. As they wheeze and thump, Edith knocks on the door. She’s all, WTH is going ON in there?
|OMFG Mama, JSYK we can all hear you out here|
|Your father and I were just...playing Twister!|
In the gray dawn, Mister Bricker, sporting a busted lip, tiptoes down the stairs and out to the idling car. He slips a fat tip to Mister Carson for keeping his hasty departure on the DL.
|A little something for your trouble, my good man|
That evening is Robert’s old military officers’ cocktail party at Downton Abbey. Lord and Lady Grantham greet their guests politely but Robert is still boiling because Cora had a pajama party in her bedroom so he pretends he’s there alone. Both Violet and Mary give them the side-eye.
|Just ask Marm and Lillian what THEY think|
Violet sits by Edith to see if she has come around to the idea of baby boarding school but guess what, she hasn’t. Violet’s all, that’s the way the cookie crumbles, Edith. Your baby’s on a boat to to France whether you like or not!
|SRSLY, you'll thank me later|
But Edith’s not about to let Granny and Rosamund ship off her little English baby to be be raised by foreigners. Desperate, she creeps down the stairs to use Mister Carson’s phone.
|Hello London? This is Edith|
Links By Lillian
Editing by Marm
Captions by Marm and Lillian
NEXT RECAP, A DINGO STOLE MY BABY