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Sunday, February 8, 2015

Downton Abbey Recap; A Dingo Stole My Baby




SEASON 5
EPISODE 1 BABY MAMA DRAMA
EPISODE 2 SKETCHY






HEY

 IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED SUNDAY'S EPISODE YET, 

DON'T READ THIS POST. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. 

STOP RIGHT NOW.




It’s breakfasttime at Downton Abbey.  Edith receives a telegram from Michael Gregson’s Managing Editor.  We can guess what he is coming to talk about; probably not her latest column.

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Publishers Clearinghouse?
Tony Gillingham and Charles Blake plan to visit Yorkshire for some kind of horse race for local snobs with no weekend plans.  This silly event is at Canningford Grange, the grand estate of Lord Sinderby, a newbie neighbor who also happens to be Atticus Aldridge’s old man. (We hope that won’t be on the test.)  Of course, Tony and Charles both wish to stay overnight at Downton.  Mary decides to make them both regret being dumped.  Anna is all, well if you need a break from thinking about yourself for one minute, your only living sister has just seen her last shred of happiness go up in smoke. Mary sighs, OMG move along, Edith.  Anyway, back to our favorite subject: ME!

Gregson probably jumped off a cliff so he wouldn't have to come back and marry Edith

Over at the Dower house, Violet and Isobel have finished their puzzle and and switched to Spades.  Violet’s new maid Denker bursts into the parlor and announces, JSYK, your useless lump of a butler won’t lift a finger to help me with anything and--oh sorry, I see you have company.  Never mind.

He keeps giving me the stink-eye

No, thats' just the way his face looks
Anna sends Mister Bates to fetch her buttonbox from their cottage.  He spots a likely looking box, but instead of buttons, inside are Mary’s pocket copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and also her Consequence Prevention device, which she ordered Anna to stash in the cottage instead of a nice logical drawer under Mary’s slips and stockings where they should have been all along.

What the hell does a buttonbox look like?
What is--Ew!

Hey, this isn't the Bible
Violet drags Denker along to the seedy side of York to call on The Dos Equis Guy Prince Kuragin, only to abandon her in the alley. [Survival of the Fittest Lady’s Maid, Round #2.]   Even as a wretched refugee, the rakish Prince still manages to have his own squalid little rented room, rather than a bunk in the creepy crypt; evidently royal blood means he’s a bit better than everybody else.

You wait here
The Dos Equis Guy Prince Kuragin starts right in romancing Violet; his gruff voice and blunt talk of desire makes Marm and Lillian blush. We expect him at any moment to fling her onto the bed and ravish her, but Violet is made of granite and somehow manages to keep both sensible feet firmly on the floor and seem too fierce for even a tiny cheek smooch.

Is bad tea an Aphrodisiac in St Petersburg?

I'm bringing sexy back
Robert tells Cora that Gregson’s remains (ugh!) have been identified.  Turns out, he is really most sincerely dead, murdered by Hitler’s lawless henchmen in Munich. Edith has inherited Dead Gregson’s publishing company, so now she’s pretty rich in her own right. Yay Edith?

Edith is going to live here until the end of time

Bummer!
Poor Edith is distraught but decides, for some reason, that the best companion in her fragile state is: Mrs Drew.  We could have told her that  Mrs Drew is just about 100% uninterested in being a shoulder for Edith to cry on.  She tells Edith to GTFO.

Stop. Stop coming here.

But I'm like, really sad about something
That evening at Violet’s, Isobel is getting tired of Spades and is ready to head home, when Spratt crashes into the room.  He is buzzing like a wet hornet because Mrs Denker refuses to wash Violet’s dainties, and is instead sending them to Downton Abbey with the rest of the household laundry.

You don't put a bra in the dryer! It warps! 

I can't even...
Anna and Mister Bates are in the boot room shining shoes and having romantic couple time, servant style, until Mister Bates turns all dark and pouty and blurts, I found your secret box of SIN!  Anna says, why were you shuffling through my stuff anyway, don’t you even know a button box when you see one? Did that look like a button box? No it did not. Any way it isn't even mine! Mister Bates is double mad and insists she shouldn’t keep any secrets, and Anna is all, now let’s get one thing straight: I do what I want. Also, you have plenty of secrets.

You don't get to be mad, I GET TO BE MAD!

Check yourself, Mister Bates
Mister Molesley offers Daisy a giant dusty history book so she can keep up her studies.  Neither Lillian nor Marm would be especially pleased  to receive a book that thick, about history or any other subject, so we’re on Daisy’s side.  Mrs Patmore scolds her for being a stinker.  
  
I'm pretty busy reading all my other books these days, actually 

Wait until you get to the chapter on the Crusades
Robert is still too pouty about Cora’s nighttime visitor to come back to her bed. She finally marches into his  dressing room and says, get over yourself and get in there. We suspect Cora may know more than she lets on about that time Robert made out with the housemaid while Cora was in the next room teetering on the brink of death.  People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, Bub.

One...   Two...   

I don't wanna...  OK FINE, THEN!
Crockett and Tubbs are back AGAIN, this time to hold Mrs Baxter’s feet to the the flame.  Barrow Somebody sent the PD a letter saying there was incriminating evidence against Mister and/or Mrs Bates. Miss Baxter tells the police the least helpful clues EVER. She could have seen a thing about a trip, but she doesn't know who or when, and she might have possibly known about a bad thing that happened to someone maybe, or not.

So you came here after you got out of prison?

Out of where?
The drawings for the new houses in town have arrived.  Mary, Robert and Tom  examine them.   We notice that Robert has thoughtfully invited Cora to look, too; apparently he's happier out of the doghouse.  Isis, even less frisky than usual, is sprawled on the carpet.  Cora wonders aloud if Isis’s remarkable age of no-less-than-eighty-four in people years could be catching up with her.

How about we call them "Cora's Cozy Cottages"?
Barrow, looking even worse than Isis, beckons Miss Baxter into the downstairs bathroom to get her expert opinon.  He must be in pretty dire straits because he’s never asked anyone for help, let alone someone he seems to detest as much as Miss Baxter. He shows Miss Baxter his gnarley butt infection and we both gag once or twice. GROSS. Once again, Miss Baxter is much nicer than we will ever be and orders him to pack up his box of drugs and meet her out the back door. (teehee, back door.)

So, you're a girl -- does this look infected to you?

*hork*
Miss Baxter drags him to the Village Minute Clinic, hoping nobody they know is there.  Doctor Clarkson puzzles over the germy pile of drug paraphernalia until Barrow explains it was a treatment for reversing his "Burdensome Condition".  Doctor Clarkson assures him that girls are definitely not worth dying of sepsis over and he’s really better off finding a more rewarding hobby.  Remember  all the trouble Jimmy got into?

Literally a pain in the a$$

Also I hate to tell you this, but penicillin hasn't been invented yet

Thank you for not letting me die
Robert decides to have his veterinarian take a look at Isis, the world’s longest surviving Labrador.  We’re sorry we have to point it out, but we think the handwriting is on the wall, Robert.

Just like Marley and Me *sniff*
Mister Carson and Mrs Hughes go with Mrs Patmore to look at the cottage she wants to buy with her inheritance.  It’s kind of a dump, with an outhouse even, but Mrs Patmore is tickled at the prospect of owning her own home and decides to take it the plunge. 

Ever think you'd want a little privy in your own back yard, Mrs Hughes?

Mary decides that everyone needs to be paying more attention to her, not droopy old Edith sitting there unhappily stealing the show. Time for a snazzy jazz-age haircut!  Welcome to constant trims to keep that ‘do looking fly, Mary.  Better book your next appointment today.

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Now who's the star?
Rose invites her new boyfriend Atticus to dinner with the family.  Edith is appalled when Mary flaunts her chic new haircut.  Edith calls Mary a heartless monster and Mary calls Edith a tiresome hag.

No YOU'RE so cute! 

Honestly Edith, must you always be such a fun sponge?
Yes
Downstairs, Molesley brings his cup of tea into the servants' hall where Daisy is has cracked open the Expanded, Unabridged and Terribly Detailed History of the Universe, Volume Five, that he gave her. He very kindly offers to help her with her studies; we hope he is better at history than at cricket.  Even if he isn’t, Yay Daisy! Yay Molesley! Yay Friendship! It seems that ol’ Julian is finally realizing that he needs to start writing better storylines for his remaining characters.

So is that like the best book ever, or what?

It's...big
While the others are having a fine old time at at the Canningford Grange horsetravaganza, Edith plans her farewell note.  Tom, who didn’t go because he has actual work to do, asks why Edith is leaving, but of course that’s A BIG SECRET. She asks him to apologize to her parents for her sudden departure.

Nobody understands either of us

Mostly just you
Edith drives over to Yew Tree Farm and announces to a horrified Mrs Drew that she is there to  kidnap spirit Marigold (mysteriously, now a younger, cuter baby actress) away, right this minute. Mister Drew confirms Edith’s story and admits he lied about the baby’s parents from the beginning.  Marm and Lillian try hard to see Edith’s side of this, but the sight of poor Mrs Drew being torn, sobbing, from the baby she has come to think of as her own child, brings us to tears. Are we the only ones who think this whole charade could have worked if they had just come clean to Mrs Drew right from day one?

That letter from the father was fake too

OMG this new baby's hair smells even better than the other one's

I can see why nobody likes you, Lady Edith. 
Meanwhile, the rest of the family, all carefree and wealthy, are having a jolly time at the Canningford Grange Horsetravangza. Old timey horse races were classy upscale events; but these days racing attracts greasy off-track bookies, crime, and dead-beats with gambling addictions. Mabel the chump Lane-Fox is there, scheming with Charles to reclaim Tony's affections. She is annoyed to find Mary there looking more fetching than ever. It’s too bad Mabel and Mary are sworn enemies, because Mabel has spunk and we’d like to see her again when this story line is finished.

Let's get this ridiculous spectacle over with
Two is the perfect number of grandchildren; I wouldn't want even one more.

Mister Carson hurries downstairs to report that Edith has disappeared but nobody knows where; and BTW, he was thinking that the two of them might invest in a piece of property for their, you know, mutual retirement.  Just like Mrs Patmore did.  Except together.

As business partners, of course

If that's what he wants to call it

In the confusion of coming home to find Edith gone, Violet snags a ride down to Yew Tree Farm and confirms that Edith has, indeed, snatched [new] Marigold and vanished.  Mister Drew promises they won't ever tell anyone that Edith has a love child. Where do they plan to say the kid went? Also does anyone actually believe Mrs Drew will sit on this? Nah.

Our story is, a dingo stole our baby
Mums the word

Edith and [new]Marigold hop a train to London, where Edith made reservations at The Plaza Hotel. She starts right off as “cool mom" and orders ice cream for dinner.




So you're housebroken, right? Please say yes!

Recap by Marm and Lillian
Links By Lillian
Editing by Marm
Captions by Marm and Lillian

3 comments:

  1. Your captions are fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love your recaps -- they're my favorites. :)

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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