Here it is mail time downstairs but NONE FOR GRETCHEN WEINERS Anna OH NOES! Down the road at the prison, looks like no letters for Mr Bates either. The Mystery of the Missing Mail! SAD TROMBONE.
Jeeze Matthew do you ever stop whining
Nobody told Matthew how much dang math you have to do when you’re a plutocrat. MATH MATH MATH ALL THE TIME! Robert never did any math. Mary tells Matthew to shut up and do the math.
Carson’s frown turns upside down because now he can bring the staff “up to snuff” with a dab of that new money. He’ll get the new footman he wants and Daisy will finally get that new kitchen maid she's been so grumpy about all season, and everybody will be happy at last. YAY EVERYBODY!
This is what an Old Timey Cat Lady looks like
Edith the Official Spinster mopes at the breakfast table. She had big plans to be a happy bride on a Roman holiday right about now and is still pretty sad between the arms. Robert’s suggests that Edith just shut up help Cora with whatever or something. Edith trudges over to Granny’s house looking for sympathy but Violet orders her to quit bellyaching and find a HOBBY already. YEAH, WELCOME TO OUR WORLD, EDITH. TIME TO GO BUY SOME YARN. AND CATS.
So many freaking spoons
Yeah isn't it great? This little one is my favorite.
Carson teaches Alfred about fancy silverware and he earns brownie points by getting a B+ on the spoon quiz. YAY ALFRED! Thomas gets all stinkfacey because it turns out when you are a jerk to everybody, nobody likes you enough to teach you about spoons. BTW, there are about forty different kinds of spoons at Downton Abbey. We suspect Thomas cheated on the silverware test.
Grammy and Grumpy
OH MAN HERE COMES THE TEARS
I CAN'T EVEN! ALL THESE FEELS! MAKE IT STOP
Tom dogpaddles across the Irish Sea and then walks the rest of the way to Downton in the rain. He confesses that maybe he sort of burned down a castle filled with Mary’s old friends. He also admits that he basically DITCHED PREGNANT SYBIL IN IRELAND. Everybody really regrets having a revolutionary in the family. UGH, THE I.R.A. IS SO RUDE.
Well HELLO JIMMY!
A handsome young dandy applies for the footman job and all the maids and Thomas have googly eyes. Mary tells Carson to hire him to Bring Sexy Back, at least downstairs. Carson frowns at the cheeky new kid, Jimmy, but hires him anyway. Thomas is very happy about that if you know what I mean. WINK WINK! GOOD TIMES AHEAD.
Wait, where did Mr Bates get dope?
Bates turns the tables on his creepy cell mate and plants dope in HIS bunk because I guess that and shanking are the only two things you can do to retaliate against someone in prison. The trick works and the creepy cell mate gets caught and sent somewhere even worse, wherever that is. Maybe Tom should go visit Bates before he starts yelping about Ireland again. Anna and Bates each receive a fat pile of letters which they read in an an adorable split-screen montage. WE KNEW THERE WERE LETTERS! MORE KLEENEX.
Thats what you get for marrying a Irishman
Sybil must have found her own way home and has an even worse haircut if that's possible. Tom can never go back to Ireland and WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Robert frowns but still agrees to save his Fenian fanny for Sybil's sake. Tom mansplains the logic behind [most of] his lies BLAH BLAH SINN FEIN BLAH and Sybil is too nice smack him. She is safe in her own bed and doesn't have to go back to Ireland, so WHATEVER. YES DEAR.
Matthew is all "HEY Robert those weak Monopoly skills of yours are drilling holes in the sinking hull of the SS Downton Abbey." Robert clamps both hands over his ears and LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU. Matthew goes to Violet for some Dowager Countess-style advice. Having lost the final round of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Martha, Violet orders Matthew to FIX IT. She's not about to go down with the ship.
Edith picked feminist journalism as her new hobby and her letter to the editor is published in the newspaper. As if Robert wasn't humiliated enough by her failed wedding! UGH JOURNALISTS, GROSS.
Edith and Sybil are embarrassing him TO DEATH and Matthew won't stop nagging him about MATH. Poor Robert.
The cute new kitchen maid
Be careful what you wish for, Daisy
Daisy visits Mr Mason and gets to feed some pigs. Yay Pigs! Daisy tells him she likes Alfred and he is all YOU GO GIRL! JUST THEN Ivy, the new kitchen maid appears at Downton and Alfred flirts with her. Poor Daisy. WE KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL.