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HEY IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED DOWNTON ABBEY YET DON'T READ THIS POST. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.
STOP RIGHT NOW.
Downton Abbey Recaps
NOW! with More Whitney Houston Lyrics.
All's right with the world when there's a dogbutt on the masthead.
Five black SUVs roll up to the Abbey. UH OH! Another funeral? Heck no, it's a HOUSE PARTY! Beer pong in the foyer! Keg-erater in the garden! All the bluebloods and their grannies are there. Landed gentry all over the place.
|Ain't no party like a Downton Abbey party|
|'Cause a Downton Abbey Party don't stop|
Unethical Edna sneaks over to Tom who finally bought his own dang white tie. HEY I know I came on to you, and then lied my way into getting my job back, but let's be BFFS! He agrees but mostly just because it's SO AWKWARD and he practically jumps over the balcony to get away.
|Remember that one time I said you looked good with a scarf tied around your head?|
Tony Gillingham, the son of a family friend, who grew up to be a tall dark handsome aristocrat, is in the house for about three minutes before putting the moves on Mary by asking if she is married. She says well I was but MY HUSBAND IS DEAD.
|So you're single again, then?|
Tony tries to fix it by suggesting a pony ride so they can talk about how much money Mary has now. He rides on the wrong side so Mary has to twist around the whole time to keep up her half of the conversation. What a gentleman.
|Blurry Forest is my favorite Instagram filter|
That evening Mary dances with dashing Tony but chokes up when she sees Matthew's old gramophone. The one that was playing when she kissed dead Matthew in Season Two while he was engaged to dead Lavinia. That gramophone.
|It was just my dead husband's first wife's wedding present.|
We need to set up a plotline later on so: OH YEAH BTW that rascal Jimmy is a show off and hurts his wrist juggling jelly jars and so Thomas has to be the second footman. Thomas complains and for some reason Carson doesn't lay the smack down on him. OH NO! Short a footman during a big house party? Whatever will we do?
|Big Strong Man|
MOLESLEY to the rescue! Of course! Another crumb of plotline for Mr Molesley. He jogs up to the house after work, and Carson is just a little too happy to knock him down a few pegs. Mr Molesley may not have a real job but he still has his pride! (for best effect, play this video and sing along)
|If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe|
|No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity!|
|BECAUSE THE GRE- oh wait, yes they can.|
Robert has been wearing his fuddy-duddy pants all weekend, grumping about having to hire an Australian Opera Singer, (Dame Nellie Melba) as the weekend's entertainment. He thinks it would be just as much fun for everyone to stand around throwing rocks into the pond. And cheaper too! Carson sends her up a tray of tap water and crusts of bread because it's not like she can eat with the Nobility, EW! When Cora finds out she is boiling mad and makes Robert sit next to Dame Nellie as punishment. Dame Nellie is super classy and doesn't even call out her hosts for being embarrassed to eat in the same room as her.
|You will sit next to her and you will LIKE IT|
|I blame you|
|How do you like me now, Bob?|
The staff play 52 card pickup in the servant's hall but Bates barks at Anna for being silly while Mrs Patmore is clutching her chest in the kitchen. Don't ya'll have WORK to do? Go iron something! Oh wait, we can't go iron something, it's time to go hear Dame Nellie sing!
|I never knew Old Maid was so much fun|
|Old Mc Donald Had a Farm! EIEIOOOO!|
|Loud enough for ya?|
While Dame Nellie is singing A REALLY BAD THING HAPPENS. We are not going to talk about it because it was just too awful. Instead, here is a picture of a happy Corgi puppy. Isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever seen? Yep, a really cute happy puppy.
Last night, all the gentlemen played poker and lost big wads of money to Mr Sampson, some guy from Robert's club, who wins by cheating, and seems to have invited himself. Also, big surprise, Robert is no good at poker. The next night Michael pulls out his old card counting skills and wins everybody their money back, so naturally Robert thinks Michael is an all right guy. You can relax now, Edith.
|pa pa pa poker face|
|Here's your manhood back, buddy|
Dreadful Edna hands poor Tom a pint glass full of whiskey, and says HEY WHY NOT TAKE THAT TO BED? and after she tucks Cora in, sneaks into his room for hank panky. So how long has she been back, like a week? We forgive Tom because he was too laced to consent, but DANG that Edna is just the worst. Downton Abbey is filled with creepers tonight.
Our local PBS Station did NOT show the final scene with Edna sneaking into Tom's room. We kept it in the recap because it is a totally vital and important plot point and PBS was bonkers to leave it out. RUDE!
|You look thirsty|
|Ready or not|
|Here I come!|
Recap and jokes by Jenny
More jokes and picture captions by Lillian
Episode 4, Regrets, I've Had a Few