Sunday, January 19, 2014

Downton Abbey Recap; Regrets, I've had a few

To catch up on reading season 3 recaps 

Season 4


DogButt welcomes you to the post

It’s Monday morning and downstairs, everyone has had it up to here with house partying. Like we don't have enough work to do.

Party time is OVER!

Upstairs,  all the party guests wander out to their cars, probably hoping to sleep off their hangovers on the train home. Mrs Hughes burns Mr Green's horrible  face off with her fiery glare. GRR! Marm and I throw our teacups at the TV and scream WE HATE YOU!  WE WISH YOU WERE DEAD! at Mr Green, who must  feel the wrath of millions of PBS viewers and seems anxious to get outta Dodge.

Give him the Stink Eye

Robert and Cora are especially chipper because Mary and Edith both seem to have boyfriends now. Yay empty nest!  Daughters are a heap o' trouble.

Except if I get married, I'll still live here! 

Americans don’t know this but Obamacare actually started in England after WWI.  Dr Clarkson forgot how irritating Isobel can be because he asks for help with his plan to open a Minute Clinic.  Violet is being very sweet to Isobel, who is still a Big Saddo and needs involvement in something less irritating than that Charlie Grigg nonsense worthwhile. Dang that Violet, she knows everything.

Thanks Obama

Edna tackles a hungover Tom in the hall.  WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?  That voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Creeper Thomas (I still hate Julian Fellowes for giving them the same name! We'll have to call him Barrow) is lurking nearby and hears them. Tom dodges Edna and runs upstairs but she chases him into his room before he can block the door, and volunteers to marry him since she’s probably pregnant. SINCE YOU’RE WHAT?  Poor Tom vows never to drink another drop and imagines hurling Edna out the window.   Please just shoot me now.





There’s an ad in the Super Saver for a L’Escoffier chef school at the Ritz in London.  Jimmy finds Ivy smooching Jimmy in the boot room.  Jimmy likes Ivy now for realsies, not just to annoy Alfred, but we wonder why that aspiring gigolo looks like good boyfriend material AT ALL.

My goal is to have lots of lady friends but no real job

Hey Alfred she's in here

Mary and Tom ditch Robert to go meet with the tax collectors in London.  Tipped off by Cora, Aunt Rosamund invites Lord Tony Gillingham and John Bullock (who’s crushing on Rose) over for pizza.  WHO'S UP FOR SOME JAZZ AT THE CLUB?  Aunt Rosamund neglected to locate a date for lucky Tom, so he gets to dance with her!  Tony implies that he’d happily dump his current girlfriend for Mary but she waffles like an I.H.O.P.   We can already see Mary dangling him like a charm on a bracelet. 

What a fun break from all that housepartying

Slightly less awkward than standing alone

So this frat rat John Bullock, who was probably half in the bag before dinner, is lit up like a midway and pukes while he is dancing with Rose.  Jack Ross, the black bandleader, leaps over the other couples and twirls her away. Aack!  A black bandleader! We've suddenly forgotten your dance partner just barfed!  As you may recall, Rose + dancing = mayhem x 9 . Aunt Rosamund deputizes Cousin Tom by kicking him in the ankle, to go rescue Rose. Smooth Jack waves at Rose and sings  “The grass is always greener on the other side” (which should be Rose's theme song)  as they whisk her out of the club.

I jus' lurves dancin'


slightly more fun than barfing

Meanwhile, Mrs Patmore reminds Daisy, who ONCE AGAIN got aced out of a boyfriend, that all men are idiots and Daisy should help Alfred learn to cook so he can get out of their hair once and for all. SAY JULIAN,  HOW HARD WOULD IT BE FOR DAISY TO BE HAPPY FOR AN EPISODE OR TWO?

Mary tells miserable Tom to find a confessor and he picks Shoot-From-The-Hip Hughes.  Mrs Hughes is happy to give that scheming social climber the boot, as she brandishes Edna’s copy of  “Sex and the Single Girl.”  DON'T LET THE BACK DOOR HIT YOU ON THE BUM, YOU TART.

In the naughty chair

Goodbye Awful-Odious-Unethical-Immoral-Abominable-Underhanded-Edna!

And don't come back

Tony follows Tom and Mary back to Downton (Oh hey!  It’s me!) and offers to dump his intended fiancee, Mabel the Chump,  if Mary will marry him.  Mary says not right now no, but kisses him on the mouth so we know we’ll see him again, and probably soon.  

We'll invite Mabel to our wedding

No... and I really mean it 

Ever-helpful Thomas Barrow happens to have a well qualified friend waiting in the wings to be Cora’s new maid. Neither Robert nor Cora (BOTH INCAPABLE OF LEARNING ANYTHING, EVER) can think of any reason why that isn’t the perfect solution to their dilemma.  Fine idea, thanks, Barrow!

Helpy Helper Helping

Edith goes to London again to say auf weidersehen to Michael, who SAYS he’s going to Germany (the one England JUST fought in the war; yes that Germany) to get a divorce.  THAT MAKES SENSE.  

KISSING!  Saxophone music!   Edith decides this virginity routine has stopped serving its purpose and YOLO, right?   Aunt Rosamund’s spy maid spots Edith when she tiptoes in at dawn. Aunt Rosamund’s disapproval sticks out all over like quills on a porcupine.  We’d never call Edith easy, but she should know by now that her road in life is full of potholes.

What could go wrong?

Walk of Shame

Don't be such a FunSponge Rosamund. 

Carson reminisces with Mrs Hughes about that dead girl he used to like as they share a little nightcap in her office.  Mrs Hughes gives Carson a frame for the picture of his old sweetheart.

I bought you this frame instead of buying myself a better lamp.

Mary suspects she might have made a giant mistake letting Lord Gillingham get away, but Tom feels like a million dollars pounds now that Dreadful Edna has hit the road. We agree on both counts.

They see me Rollin'. They be hatin'. 

Recap and jokes by Jenny
More jokes and picture captions by Lillian

Episode 5, If at First You Don't Succeed 


  1. I am thoroughly enjoying these recaps! I often smile when reading things online, but rarely laugh out loud -- you two make me laugh! Or chortle, perhaps. I will be back... xoxo

  2. Love it! I was racking my brain trying to remember whose blog was doing these recaps last year - I forgot it was you!

  3. Still best caption writing on the internet.


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