Look at all those cars! Another floor picnic? Par-tay at the big house! Yay! NOPE, SYBIL’S FUNERAL. OOPS! NEVER MIND! Cora is still SUUPER pissed at Robert and banishes him from her bedroom because everything is all his fault all the time. Edith reminds them all it’s CHRISTENING TIME, but Robert throws a tantrum when Tom wants Little Sybbie to be a left-footer CATHOLIC. Ew Catholics. GROSS
Robert is in the naughty chair
Violet tells Robert to step it up in the husband arena. THIS MAMA IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DRAMA. Quit being such a big poop.
This guy looks like a Sith Lord
Mr Travis hates on Catholics over dinner, but everyone except Robert disagrees. Mr Travis says NOPE Anglicans are best because BRITISH, duh. Robert gains no points with Cora by hating on Catholics, too. YAY, CHURCH OF ENGLAND!
I Love You! *tiny smooch*
Time for Mary and Matthew to share one of those HOT BRITISH KISSES because what’s more romantic than everyone dying all over the place? Maybe they’ll have sex finally, or anyway as soon as the black armbands come off.
Best Father in law EVER!
Daisy goes to see Dear Mr Mason who hopes she’ll come live at his farm, and inherit the whole shebang someday like a real daughter. We secretly wish Dear Mr Mason was OUR father-in-law. She tells Mrs Patmore that she could be an heiress! YAY DAISY!
Fancy Hat Club
Matthew and Tom wander around some crummy part of the estate to tell some non-rich people how to run their shiz. Neither of them are farmers but they are FANCY AND RICH and MARRIED TO SOMEONE RICH so they must know all the answers. Anyway, together they are smarter than Robert, right? SURE YOU ARE, JUST ASK YOUR WIVES. DOWNTON ABBEY 4EVER!
Excuse you, we are busy.
Isobel decides to have a tea party and invites all the saddos. Par-tay at Isobel’s! She tells Ethel to slap down some deli ham and Velveeta and please don’t try to cook anything. Poor Ethel. Even her tea makes Isobel gag. Ethel begs Mrs Patmore for some of those yummy Downton recipes (like veal-and-egg pie, perhaps?), because nothing says “funeral potatoes” like Velveeta. Mrs Patmore schools Ethel on how to cook something tasty for a change. Mr Carson spies her leaving Crawley House and is horrified that The Ladies might eat food handled by a PROSTITUTE. SO GROSS. Isobel smells something cooking and panics. WHAT IF SHE POISONS HER IN-LAWS? THAT COULD BE BAD. or maybe she could inherit all the money? NO... BAD.
Robert storms the luncheon LIKE A ONE MAN S.W.A.T. team and declares that they are all leaving because the par-tay food was cooked by a hooker. Isobel’s guests are shocked to hear Ethel is a real-live PROSTITUTE, but since Cora is mad at Robert, she says they’re not budging. And also, CHARLOTTE RUSSE! SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD WHATEVER THAT IS! OM NOM NOM
Sewing something evil I bet.
Murray tries to catch Rotten Mrs Bartlett in a lie, but that’s her story and she’s sticking to it. He suspects she has been threatened because obviously her pants are ON FIYAH! Bates pokes his creepy cellmate in the cheek with a nutpick, which is apparently the one move that really gets results. Murray gets a confession out of Rotten Mrs Bartlett, and BATES WILL FINALLY BE SET FREE! YAY BATES!
Wrong wrong wrong all the time
Mary says “Look Pop, don’t get your knickers in a knot but Matthew is RIGHT about managing the estate. And also Tom is RIGHT about baptizing Little Sybbie a Catholic. And also Mama is RIGHT about WHATEVER possessed you to let Sybil die a gruesome death while we all watched. “ Robert pouts because he is wrong about everything, always. Name one thing Robert was right about. GO AHEAD, NAME ONE.
Mrs Patmore catches Ivy wearing rouge. Ivy is one messy hair-do away from a life of PROSTITUTION! Go scrub those cheeky cheeks! And then Mister Carson catches Alfred watching Jimmy and Daisy dance the foxtrot. All those servants are SO BAD. Rouge! Dancing! It’s like the Help-ocalypse.
Erm well... uh yeah...
Violet insists Good Old Dr Clarkson tell Robert and Cora that Sybil would have died no matter what anybody did. He is all, “umm IDK” and she is all “DO IT BECAUSE I SAY SO”, so he does. Violet forces Robert and Cora to come over so Good Old Dr Clarkson can lie to them. He does still insist Sir Dr McFancypants was WRONG and he was RIGHT about her diagnosis JUST SO YOU KNOW. That nonsense apparently works for Cora, who will believe almost anything, and Robert just wants out of the dressing room doghouse. YAY WEDDED BLISS!