ZING! IT’S A YEAR LATER. Everyone is yapping about "going to Duneagle" What the heck is that, like Disneyland? You remember Duneagle--except we didn’t go after Sybil died and during the war? Like our traditional annual cricket games? OK, if that's how you want to play it. WE’RE GOING TO Disneyland DISNEAGLE.
YAY! MARY PREGGERS. Having sex WAS the answer! Everyone thinks she shouldn't travel but apparently she really likes Disneagle and modern pregnant ladies go everywhere, especially Scotland.
This is either romantic or creepy
Edith is still writing a feminist column for Bitch Magazine. SUPRISE! that editor guy Michael, who is still crushing on her, will be on vacay near Disneagle when they are there. The family hasn’t met him yet because Michael is still married to a psychiatric inpatient and Edith correctly assumes this wouldn't play well at Downton.
The Scotland relatives snub Tom. He will stay home with Little Sybbie and Isis, the world's oldest Labrador. Violet is nervous about leaving Tom at Downton, in case he has a radical flashback and burns the house down.
The servants look forward to some slack time, but CARSON is not having any of that. If you have time to lean you have time to clean! Also, idle hands are the devil's playground. Mrs Hughes has some spring cleaning planned but thinks the staff deserves a little freedom--like cleaning in the daytime instead of before dawn, and not having dinner so dang late.
You in DANGER girl
Naughty new maid Edna talks smack on lady Sybil and is all familiar with Tom. She knows he used to be the chauffeur and might be lonely. Mrs Hughes has an eagle-eye for mischief and is all NOPE MISSY you keep your eyes in your head and your feet on the floor! She has the worst time with maids! Ethel, Jane, and now Edna? Girls these days! What’s a Head Housekeeper to do?
I dunno...what do YOU want to talk about?
Isobel didn’t go to Disneagle either so she and Dr Clarkson have tea and she invites him for dinner. Like single people always do, they have forgotten why they didn't like each other.
Lets go on Splash Mountain and then the Teacups!
The right to bear LOTS AND LOTS OF ARMS
Everyone arrives in Scotland, which really IS like Disneyland, with no crowds. OH NOW WE GET IT--It's Cousin Shrimpy's summer timeshare! Remember back in Season One when Cousin Susan spread nasty rumors about Mary? Yep, that's The Shrimpies. TEEN ROSE'S PARENTS! Cinderella's Shrimpy's Castle is faboo but HOLY HIGHLANDS there are a lot of guns and swords; about 45 weapons over each fireplace and several hundred more lining the walls.
UGH that is so foul
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Some lout from Mrs Patmore's favorite grocery store, who looks like another one of the Cheerful Charlies, barges in and sticks his nasty finger into some soup. He flirts with Mrs Patmore and asks for leftovers. The maids giggle because, LOL Srsly? Have you MET Mrs Patmore?
We are happy to see that Ivy and Daisy are friends now, thank goodness. YAY GIRL POWER and also, Jimmy and Alfred are doofs.
A special Disneagle treat is a kilted bagpiper marching through the house every ten minutes, even early in the morning. The Shrimpies think this is normal, even desirable.Tootle-tootle-HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BWWWWAAAAANNNH-toot. Not annoying at all, except after the first forty seconds. KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? NONSTOP EAR-FRACTURING BAGPIPE MUSIC! WHAT DID YOU SAY? And you thought your job was awful.
Mrs Shrimpy has the lemon face
The Shrimpies are very clearly unhappily married and snipe at each other from dawn until dark. AWKWARD. YOU DID INVITE US HERE, YOU KNOW.
y'all couldn't take out the table leaves?
Tom feels lonesome being the only Upstairs type in the house, and feels bad for abandoning his Downstairs team. Isobel compliments him on his new bougieness, which feels like permission to pinch a maid if he wants to but we aren't sure and neither is Tom. Mrs Hughes warns Tom that cheeky maids need to leave him the hell alone, but not in so many words.
I don't always hate my wife, but when I do, I RULLY hate her
Shrimpy confides in Robert about how he has to go be a diplomat in colonial India, and how Mrs Shrimpy and Teen Rose don't like each other AT ALL. We are starting to see why Teen Rose feels that way. Mrs Shrimpy moans to Violet about having to move to Godforsaken sweaty smelly India with that ungrateful wretch of an adolescent.
EW India no thank you
Mrs Shrimpy's maid, Wilkins, behaves exactly like O'Brien used to. O'Brien sees herself, back when she hated Cora and made her slip on soap and have a miscarriage. Never mind about trying to ruin Thomas's life, that's different.
Cheese and rice Edna.... what is your problem
Tom wanders around town with Isis, who doesn’t care about Tom’s social status because WALKIES! Naughty Maid Edna is lying in wait at the pub. OH HELLO! She gives Tom crap about being fancy now and makes him feel bad. She invites him to eat dinner with the servants. SOUNDS LIKE A FINE PLAN AND CARSON WILL THINK SO TOO.
Nice hat Thomas... NOT
Alfred and Thomas and Jimmy go to visit the Grocery Guy who invites them to the fair. He invites Mrs Patmore too who buys a new blouse to celebrate being asked on a date. WE CAN TOTALLY RELATE, MRS P. Carson frowns. Hey--let’s ALL go to the fair!
I'm lying in deer poop
Robert and Shrimpy, along with a handful of servants, go shoot at Bambi's father. Robert suggests the Shrimpies divorce because they are obviously miserable but Shrimpy reminds him BRITISH + fancy = miserable. And oh also, broke. Lucky Robert had Matthew with his ESTATE PLAN, right? Robert has a contemplative moment. They meet up with the ladies who are having an elegant picnic miles from anywhere. Rich people don't care how much easier it is to just eat in the house.
we are distracted by the beautiful scenery
Matthew and Edith's editor/boyfriend all go "stalking" which means they lie in the wet grass and shoot at things and miss, while servants snicker. Maybe fishing will go better.
Your hair looks so.... different!
Wilkins is clearly O'Brien's extremely bitter evil Scottish twin but with a little mustache instead of a bad weave. She plans revenge on good twin O'Brien for fixing Mrs Shrimpy's unfortunate-looking hair. O'Brien knows evil when she sees it though and is on guard for treachery. Everyone who can’t picture O'Brien as the good twin please raise your hand.
Check yo'self Edna
Meanwhile at Downton, Tom comes down to the kitchen for dinner and Mr Carson frowns. Mrs Hughes reminds him to be gracious in front of the younger servants. Turns out, everyone wants to go the fair except Carson, who correctly assumes the others don't want him there watching them. Tom agrees to drive some of them up in the car, just like old times. Sassy Edna is flirty and Mrs H is all.... "Girl, don't even."
Are you as drunk as I am right now?
The fair is a barrel of fun and even Dr Clarkson and Isobel are there. He is ready to put the moves on her but she pretends not to understand because SHE IS SO GLAD SHE IS NOT MARRIED but gets to have a friend without benefits.
What the lump?
Oh no she did not
Mrs Patmore's Grocery Guy date is a terrible hounddog who flirts shamelessly with every woman he sees. Mrs Hughes is APPALLED. She also sees naughty maid Edna all cozy with Tom spends the rest of the day spying on everyone.
NO you're my best friend... I love you man... let's get Taco Bell.
Jimmy gets pretty drunk.
What could possibly go wrong?
A silent guardian, a dark night.
The Downton team wins the tug-of-war, and the carnies are super mad about losing. They hide under a bridge and jump poor drunk Jimmy, but Batman Thomas appears and yells at Jimmy to run. The carnies pound the daylights out of Thomas. It's all fun and games until someone gets beaten up by a British gang.
In Scotland, Matthew and Edith's editor Michael go fly-fishing. Matthew says sorry Broseph, but since Michael is married, and not to Edith, he needs to kick rocks as soon as we catch a fish. Not really; he can go to the dance party first.
I am dying of cutenesssssss
Upstairs at Downton Baby Sybbie is wailing. Nanny is nowhere to been seen, but no one haseverseen Nanny. There may not reallybe a Nanny. Carson cuddles her in the cutest scene we can remember ever, except then he carries her down to the parlor so that when Nanny comes back to the nursery she will have a heart attack because the baby is gone.
It's the freakin' weekend, baby, I'm about to have me some fun!
IT’S TIME FOR THE BIG OLD BALL AT DISNEAGLE. Like the Downton cricket match, this event is attended by servants and aristocracy alike, which seems unlikely but whatever. Mary would like to dance because (speaking of things we never knew) she LOVES DANCING and is bummed because she's as big as a house and everyone else wishes she would just sit down. But she dances a little bit anyway.
Glug glug glug in goes the whiskey
Mrs Shrimpy is nasty to Wilkins, who tries to get O'Brien drunk to retaliate. O'Brien is too sneaky to fall for that stupid move, because she is the Evil Team Captain and knows all the tricks. The gloves are off! Wilkins will be sorry she messed with O'Brien. Molesley bumbles over and slurps down all O'Brien's spiked punch. HOT DIGGITY!
I put my hands up, they're playing my song!
Nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah
Molesley was super bad at cricket but HE'S SUPER GOOD AT DANCING. As we recall, he's also good at free booze and before long he is drunk as a frat boy but with twinkly toes. Is that the Highland Fling? If Carson were here poor Molesley would probably get fired.
Back in Mrs Hughes's cozy sitting room, Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore have tea.Mrs Hughes is all, I'm sorry girl but your man is a scoundrelly scoundrel. Mrs Patmore is all THANK GOD, and he's a dang chauvinist pig, too. We are SO LUCKY we have comparatively excellent jobs for life and don't need any dumbass mens. They jump out of their chairs and do the Single Ladies dance. ALL THE SINGLE LADIES.
Sweet headband Edith, you've really grown into your style.
The band plays on at the HARD TO BELIEVE BALL. Edith's editor admits that Matthew ordered him to bounce, but she's all NOPE I LOVE YOU STICK AROUND. So he does. Season Four fodder!
DAH NUH DAH NUH DAH NUH
Upstairs at Downton, Naughty Maid Edna walks in on shirtless Tom, who just happens to be ripped, without knocking. He is all "please leave" but she smooches him instead. EXCUSE YOU MISSY.
She did NOT just say what I think she just said
Later she says she can’t strip all the sheets because she has a date with Tom, and she is dopey enough to be surprised when Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson say HOW NICE AND ALSO YOU ARE FIRED LEAVE RIGHT NOW GOODBYE.
I guess. Whatever...
Mrs Shrimpy agrees to let incorrigible Rose go live at Downton. HOW CONVENIENT. Frankly, lately Rose seems like a regular teenager and we suspect Mrs Shrimpy is menopausal and knows her husband bungled the family fortune. Cora’s all, OH GIRL, TELL ME ABOUT IT. Also, Downton needs some juicy plotlines for next season. We have to say, even if Rose is a whippersnapper we like her and we will get to see lots of cute dresses.
It's BABY TIME!
Mary realizes she'd better go home LIKE NOW, and when the train arrives at Downton she's all " BTW I'm in labor, please take me the hospital." Cool as a cucumber.
When the rest of the family finds out Mary is having the baby TODAY they gratefully ditch the bagpipes and Bickersons at Disneagle and make tracks for Downton. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR OH WAIT YOU’LL BE IN INDIA NEVER MIND.
Thomas is resting in bed after having his clock cleaned at the fair and Jimmy feels bad, and he should because that beating was meant for him. Jimmy apologizes for being such a homophobe and reads the newspaper to Thomas.
As soon as the stork drops the baby off, Isobel telephones Carson to announce the blessed event. He is so excited he forgets to ask PINK OR BLUE? Mrs Hughes and Mrs Patmore get a big kick out that. MENS BE DOPES.
Mrs Hughes solves the world's problems, one silly man at a time
Happy Happy Happy
Matthew comes skidding in and meets the new baby, a darling little boy. Everyone is aloft on a cloud of joy. Downton Abbey is safe, there is plenty of cash, Robert and Cora love each other, Matthew and Mary love each other, there are TWO cute babies now and except for Sybil being dead, everything is perfect. Matthew and Mary share a sweet smooch.
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
Happy Happy Happy
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL chirps Isobel to Robert and Cora. As soon as Matthew gets home you can go see your new heir.
Happy Happy Happy!
Matthew vrooms towards home in his speedy roadster. WHEE LIFE IS PERFECT!
Some other things happened right after that but we are WAY TOO UPSET to talk about it. You know... we know... lets just leave it at that.